Portrait of a Woman

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She laughs, she sings,

She fancies little things.

She whispers, she buzzes with the news.

She dances, settling things around.

She walks around, whining for attention.

She will sit, she’ll stand and strut.

 

Look into her eyes,

Is that disappointment there?

She dreams of weeping,

And yawning.

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Giving Chances

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Why do you hide under a veil?

When all you could be doing is soaring on your wings?

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Why do you reach for stars,

When all you could know is you have it in you to shine?

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Why age them in just peering through,

Those eyes, yours, shy like a virgin, which want to learn…

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The veil, that poor see through thing,

Are you letting it, or is it really caging you, against your will?

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Have they tied anklets around your feet,

In gold and silver that gleam but clang like cowbells?

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Tell me of your childhood, your real one.

Did you have a ‘gudda’* then, you loved to fondle around all day?

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You did, didn’t you? You loved him.

Then everything changed, when your childhood was taken from you.

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You were just told, what was right and wrong,

You just winked once and your lovebirds took off into the blue.

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Never you got to see them ever again,

Those mad birds, soaring high, higher than ever you’d flown your kite.

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Those disobedient little creatures,

But why aren’t you happy, that they’ve left you…?

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You must wonder where now they live,

Have they gone away far enough to live in some other world…?

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Those two eyes, two tiny little birds,

Must be wandering among all beautiful things, which you won’t know…

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Those obstinate, selfish birds, that live in dreams,

Ever wondered how they bless humanity every night? They hope for us.

 

 

 

 

 

Strangle Me Softly

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Resting on his shoulder, listening to the sound of our strange hearts beating softly, I exhaled my worries out for the last time. I tried to recall the words he’d spoken before and a few other things, but eventually I found that I couldn’t keep up with the side of me that was insulting me with the humongous issues that I’d so violated by thus lying there with him like that. I was aware, wholly aware of all of them, and yet there was no guilt.

I looked at his sleeping face, feeling his strange breath on my mouth. Only now I was finally getting to understand how very different we were physically. He’d warned me about it many times and yet neither of us seemed to have paid any heed to it. Our closeness now attested to the choice that we’d both made, a decision that we were meant for each other and neither of us would have it in any other way. I knew the future of this would be a difficult one, but we would have each other to take care of together. One last breath and I would wake him up and we’d pick up on what we’d left off before, and that I was sure of.

He would kill me. I knew it, that very first time I laid my eyes on him. I also knew I wanted him to. If I can’t have him, I’d rather be his memory, a delicious thought, a fantasy he would live with forever. But now I have him and he has me. It wasn’t just any situation, it was a simple, satisfying love that brought us together, in a way that I knew there was no other I would rather be happy with, than with him, in this way.

He was once my best friend, and I loved him then. I love him now, in a different way, which is all the same. Falling for him had always been easy. It could be explained to be as simple as a child’s stubbornness of not parting with her favorite toy even though it’s broken. She keeps trying to fix it, often failing, never caring that it doesn’t quite work in the same way. She just learns to love it in her own new ways, and it doesn’t matter to her – because for her, it never broke. She loves it, she’ll love it.

It was the same with Dusk. His internal world was just as complicated as mine, and maybe that’s why it makes it all too easy to just love him. He isn’t my prize, I didn’t win him. Again it was just love, the plain old kind that brought us together. Watching him sleep now, I can’t help letting go of any remnant guilt, and just breathe, and feel like suddenly we were just two kids finally happy of having won their prize.

Tids and bits

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What you’ve found in me,

Think you hit the gold core?

<Oh, honey it isn’t what you think!>

You’ve got to get low and dirty to sink,

If you wanna win the heart!

What you’ve found in me,

Throw it out. You don’t know me.

<Not even close>

Tell me do you believe in magic, oh come on,

 I promise I won’t put you under my spell.

Spells don’t work the way you’d want.

But if you wanna win the heart, oh you’ll have to ring the bells.

If you wanna love me, you’ll have ask me.

Come to me, I’ll take you deeper into my empty room

I’ll let a flood of my thought hit you.

Until you’re intoxicated by my essence.

 

What you found in me, you thought was gold?

Oh, honey, I’d rather wager you with the universe.

Dig a little deeper, you’re an immortal, and so am I.

Higher [Part I]

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The charm… the grace

The faces, the fears

The hotness of winters

And the loudness of tears.

The words, and the gestures,

The wishes left hanging in the air

Only if it could’ve become a private joke.

Little gestures made within indecision.

The sweet breeze hungover with cheer.

The storm rolling inland bears the promise,

Of bringing new showers and more promises.

Unspoken and yet, somehow too obvious.

The arms, the chills, those never quite felt.

The white sea, the foam and frizz.

The damage done the first time

She knows will stay to harm more.

 

The Lotus and The Dragon

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The lotus cloud soars overhead,

Sailing across as if the sky was but a foaming sea.

Then follows the great dragon, flapping its brazen wings

Its talons reach to snatch the lotus flower.

Breathing out its nostrils full of flame.

There’s a battle going up there. Of chaos with peace.

Of the beast that tramples innocence.

How many battles must have been fought thus?

What of victors, what of who’s been paying for it,

No answers, my mind is already somewhere else.

Mind over Matter (Excerpt from The Return of the Forsaken

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“You know, you’re adapting well, with all of it. Almost too well.” Virginia appeared in front of me, her hair messy and her plait end wet. Trying not to think about it, I couldn’t help thinking of anything else. I tried to get up but then the belt strapped around me awkwardly dragged me back. “One might actually buy it, if you told them you never left earth.”

“Why do you say so?” I was taken by surprise.

She grinned and placed her finger on my armrest, almost bending over me. She smiled at me, “Because I tell you this is my jet plane, and you didn’t seem surprised at all. Of course, I get it. You have probably a million planes at your command already, being a prince and all that.”

Now I just felt bad. I unhooked the seat belt. I tried to grin. “So, why aren’t you sleeping, madam? Your eyes will be rebuking you all day when we’ll be driving around bright Beverly Hills.”

“Just thoughts. Actually I was sleeping, and a thought woke me up,” she picked at the belt of her robe. “You don’t think it’s too warm in here?”

I shook my head at her and she puckered. “Alright, so it’s just me, huh! Wanna come with me to get some coffee?”

She was dressed like this, in a cute little overcoat and woolen socks on her feet, almost dressed for bed but then she had this plait on that gave you the idea she didn’t really plan on relaxing. It was hard to focus from the way her perky little figure undulated from faux drowsiness. I knew her too well, she wasn’t sleeping, and also that she wasn’t planning to either.

“You’re practically married, so why the hell would you want to go out in your own plane to get coffee with me?” I knew what she was playing at. I knew it wasn’t right to do that to her, all over again, but with nothing clearly set on my platter, I had very little space in it to fit her in. And I knew one thing about her, it was a wrong thing to do, trying to just fit her in. She was much too important for such attitude from someone else. “You could just get the attendant ladies to get you anything you want.”

Her shoulder arched in defense. She thought for a long moment. “Well, is it wrong to wish to talk to you, just for once, alone? Thought coffee would make it easier.”

I gulp down some more sarcasm. I hated myself right then. The constant part of me that kept internally tearing up about those same old things. And then the other was rebuking me for all those mistakes I didn’t commit knowingly, and yet I knew I’d commit them over a thousand more times just because it got me that special thing. Then there was that part of me that was hurling things things at me, knocking things over in my head, so caught up in a fit of rage, that it keeps trying to convince me of things I didn’t want to believe in.

I accompany her, to the rear end of the plane where they had the pantry cabin. I didn’t like the setting. It was exactly what I didn’t need right now. A closed space with her. But damn it, she just always has to ruin it for me.

She pressed a lot of dials trying to get the coffee machine working. At last I had to step in. I tapped the power button and it whirred to work. She covered her face, “I’m a mess! Gee! You’re right, I’m pathetic.”

She was goofy and somehow yet original. The truth was it was her unmasked naïve ways that made her so very attractive. “Maybe in some twisted era I perceived it as charm. Now, I know that’s what I’d been missing.”

She lets her hand drop and looks straight at me. Her eyes were the bluest things I’ve ever seen that drew on me like non-existent magic, silently asking me to believe. I couldn’t look away, for the time the machine whirred. It wasn’t hard to imagine, me taking her hand and just begin.

She could just have collected her coffee and we’d have been done there. But she just stood there. I stood there breathing, and doing nothing.

“You know,” she began, “I thought this would be easier.” Her eyes shone, and suddenly she pulled me in and kissed me. I was in over my head as well. Even though in my head things worked differently, this was too much to handle well. I knew there’d be no stopping once I gave in.

I knew I had to push her away. It was how it was supposed to be. “Virginia! Virginia! We’ve got to stop this!” I said around when we both turned up for a breath.

She turned away, looking hurt. I understood only too well. “I’ve been wanting to do this for a very long time.”

I look at her, and speak, “It’s been the same for me. But I’m sorted out now. You should be as well. It’s the right thing to do…”

She didn’t look back at me. She filled her cup with coffee and filled another. “Here you go,” she said lifting the cup for me to take. Before I could take it, she put it on the counter and turned around and began to walk away.

I snapped back to my senses and in a wild moment, I followed her and grabbed her wrist and pulled her back in. I muffled her mouth and silently let her eyes rake my face. It was unbearable already, to have her in my arms like that, to linger on a single sane thought, and it was the dead of the night in a sleeping plane cabin to begin with.

I took her neck in my hands and pushed her against the wood-paneled wall. “Girl, do you even realize just how much you drive me crazy? And with the fact that it’s just us here, you don’t know what you’ve gotten yourself into. I might rape you here, and you couldn’t call on anyone for help even if you wanted to. If I wished it were to be that way.”

Her eyes eased up, but my hand still clamped over her mouth. I kept on going, “You little girl! You haven’t changed a bit. God, how hard it is just to be looking at you like this. Makes me try to be good and fail at it so inevitably.”

Her eyes turned defiant. Yes, she would tell me to stop trying. It was driving me insane. I said, “It was the same, back all those years before. How you got me wound up so tight, I’d be fighting myself. I knew it would never work out. These kinds of feelings never work out in the real world. I knew I respected you too much to be your boyfriend and treat you like you’re my girl. You’re not just some ‘my girl’ material. I knew you deserved better, you deserve someone who’d directly submit everything he possesses to you. Make you his queen – let you rule his home and heart. It was always like that. I didn’t possess anything, anything I could offer you then, nor do I do now.

“I’m not a good person, Virginia. We have real problems. You know everything, and it just makes me angry thinking, you of all people, knowing exactly how difficult it is for me to say no to you, you deliberately put me to test like this, over and over.”

I let go of her mouth, and she breathed. Unexpectedly, she hugged me. “Don’t say anything. I’ve missed this long enough.” I knew she was talking of our closeness, and I didn’t try to push her away this time.

Finite Hearts

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The stars were once plucked from the ashen grey skies.

They shine on lips now, and in eyes which cannot cry.

The sheen of all the silken dresses was extracted, and torn apart.

Making the poison that flows in the waters to mix in the dirt.

Every heart has slept, every bedside lamp extinguished.

It’ll be just one last time, that we would get to dance…

The paper fire’s shriveling up in the dusty grate,

We’re burning up our old love letters to warm us tonight.

Come on, baby, dance with me, this’s that one last time,

When it’s time to bid goodbyes for good and smile.

History ends tonight, civilization will die with the ghost of us,

Tonight there will be no words, just two couples of teary eyes.

And we dance, silently, until we fall, of exhaustion.

Two finite hearts finally, slowly dying in each other’s arms.

Wanderings. Road bumps. Glimpsing back.

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So, the thing about curses is,

When they are cursed, they learn to love

They all love out of suffering their eternities –

Merely out of desperation,

Of having known misery.

Living with cursed people offers you the bliss of being surrounded by the grace of good hope.

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I know you, you’re my mirror self,

My soulmate. I have not given up loving you.

You know it too. Maybe not yet.

You’re arrogant not to admit it thinking of me just yet.

Years will have passed, you will have returned home streets.

With your fancy dollars and shiny tipped American boots

You’ll think of what happened to that sad little girl who thought, “she loves me!”

“Is she so even now?” you’ll wonder sarcastically.

Last month her new bestseller was criticized about being too vulgar? Not too hopeful.

You’ll decide, you’ll have to remember to meet some very old school-times friends,

And remember to drop in a line in between some fancy quote,

“You know the author, was she that vulgar back, you know, at school?”

Then add a little modestly, “You’ll all will know better…classmates after all.”

“Classmates hardly. She was this sad little kid trying to pretend of being brave,”

She sneezes into her napkin. Then nods curtly. Gracious.

Your buddy tugs at your arm. He means, you’ve got to nod too.

She’s his old school darling, and you nod, remembering.

Your beer is slowly warming up. You rarely do beer anymore.

But these old school reunions, so irresistible, drinking beer isn’t silly looking anymore…

You remember the conversation going on. You ask her, “You mean she isn’t brave?”

“She is now.” Big eyes. “Oh well, she changed. About after the time we all left school.”

Oh, her friend said. She brightens up. “She wrote me down on her list of acknowledgements.”

“Well, there are a lot of rumors.” You clear your throat.

“Being a woman and writer at the same time doesn’t mean she’s a lesbian, alright!”

“Oh oh! Defensive!” This was a three way argument. You spectate.

“Well, I remember she was friends with you for a while, isn’t that so?”

Sharp cuts on your memory, refreshing the old wound.

“I don’t remember her very well. Barely used to talk, you know…” Your neck arches.

“Hmm, maybe.” She sniffles her nose. “Maybe.”

“But she wasn’t a bad person. Maybe, just unheard.”

“That’s an understatement. I think she was just stupid.”

You gull down your thought, yeah she was, she trusted people blindly.

I know you’ll want to know it more now than ever. If “she really did love me?”

You’re my shadow self. You’ll rise to find what happened to her. That girl.

That insolent little girl who promised so strongly of being different from the others,

Ending up doing the very same things. You were frustrated and gave up on her.

Now you feel bad. You weren’t any bit generous with her either.

For causes which are null and void in your head atop.

The night you drive by your old house one last time,

You pass by the spot you had come forward to drop her by.

The sun was in your eyes, you didn’t want to go further.

She’d turned back to look you in your eye, asking you to come further. You chose not to.

She kept going on. She was silent and shaken, like a whimpering poisoned lamb.

It had been the final straw, but you never knew. She gave up believing that she can love.

You want to stay now, find her and ask. But she is the hardest thing to find. Everyone tries so.

Rumors also say that she lives at some hermitage, and some say in disguise.

So many of these you don’t know what to believe. You may never find her.

But you won’t forget her even. She will be this question in your head.

Despair not, you’ll meet her again in your next life,

You’re soulmates. You are meant to meet eventually anyway.

You’ll wonder “If she really, really did love me, she should have told me so!”

But did you ever question, from what little you know of her, do you think she knew it

Well enough to know what she doesn’t want to covet something because she likes it?

Weren’t you making yourself look too good to be out of her league and all?

You knew she was buying it all. And yet you sold her some more.

You called her paranoid. You called her schizoid to live in detachment from civilization.

You pushed her away and yet she was so loyal, so nice all the time, wasn’t she?

Oh, you thought it was all just a show for you, didn’t you?

You thought she was just another bigtime girls convent bitch!

You walk up the hill, she used to talk so much about before,

Jokes about going jogging around the peripheries, in new Reeboks.

Oh, those exaggerations of hers, and she thought anyone would buy it.

You catch a little boy whistling a very old song somehow still familiar.

The author asked you to listen to it, once ages ago,

And the ghost of the song stayed stuck.

The servant boy was going shopping for his owners.

The list showed a packet of Gold Flake lites.

You had to ask now. And yeah, here lives the author. No coincidence.

You let the boy pass. You stand at the door. And wait.

And wait.

You are my shadow-self. You won’t wait long.

In my case, I wouldn’t have.

I’d probably just walk away.

Knowing we have eternity together.

Untitled song

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You thought I’ll reach nowhere,

Break my wings and sink,

And sink and sink and sink,

To hit the ocean floor.

 

But aren’t you wrong?

Oh, bitch you are, so wrong!

So wrong!!!

 

I did fall. Everything falls anyway.

But everything did go down the drain.

But then so I do have my spirit.

Which never gives up on me.

 

The unstoppable phenomenon that I am,

The perfect bitch that sleeps in me, will snap back

I’ll leap out through all the murk and foam.

I dunno, and I know you don’t either,

I will be back. I always do.

 

And then you’ll have to find someplace safer,

To hide from me.